The Economical Michael Bay

Best Picture, Best Director, Best
Original Screenplay 2009

Michael Bay is a national treasure. I cannot think of anyone I admire more.

His minimalist filmmaking style is an inspiration to anyone who believes in the power of story over the power of the big budget movie. With his ruthless attention to economy, he was able to make his most recent movie for the unbelievable sum of 200 million dollars. The movie was Transformers 2, possibly the greatest film created to this day.

There are people who are so mainstream that they vehemently declare their distaste for Bay's work, but those plebeians are not worthy to kiss the golden toilet seat graced by Bay's sacred buttocks. They do not understand that Transformers 2 was a subtle critique of an administration that was dismantling pet projects from the leviathan military of the US. In the film he clearly demonstrates that those projects are necessary to flail helplessly against the evil automatons that will inevitably invade earth. I am terrified of what is happening, are you?

When I first watched Armageddon, I was so moved that I was forced to turn it off before my tears soaked dvd box. And that box! Oh, it was a work of art more beautiful than all the life in the Gulf of Mexico surfacing through oil slick film with the glaze of death in its eyes. But alas, those days are over.

Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Apocalypse Now -- they're all crap compared to the genius that is Michael Bay. With only the GNP of 2,250,000 Burundians he has created films that have changed the world forever. Modest budgets. Epic masterpieces. Thank you Michael.

Caribou's Ascent Pt1

A living mist trapped sunrise sunlight and wisped red on the hill's summit. Long brown autumn grass quivered in the thin light from base to glowing peak. A small caribou slowly climbed the hill with fat noise canceling headphones over his tiny ears. He was listening to a Scottish-Canadian rock band that favored lengthy bagpipe and electric guitar solos. The music, said Caribou, is definitely perfect, but it would be nice if there were a chairlift to levitate me up this hill.

Caribou crested the hill and sat down. Feeling inspired by the music and the view below him, Caribou began to sing. No one ever heard whether that his voice was hoarse or clear because at that moment the loud clack and rumble of a helicopter dusted away the his voice with wind and sound. The copter swung low and Red Squirrel repelled down, landing beside Caribou.

Americans Outraged at Latest Crisis

The strife in the Darfur region is so 2 years
ago. 

As the United States is a country that grants people the right to "the pursuit of happiness," it is only natural that most citizens turn their eyes inward. They are obsessed with their own feelings of happiness. Once financial stability is achieved, many people change their goals and lifestyles to focus on the more "feelgood" aspects of their lives. By listening to music that bashes the government, watching movies about heat-wrenching poverty and violence, or buying fair trade jewelry made out of recycled plastic bags, many Americans can feel good about themselves. No, it is more than just feeling good, many Americans believe that they are superior to the vast majority of a red-necked population because they listened to NPR and actually gave a shit.

But this seemingly perfect way of life is threatened. The most difficult aspect of the feelgood mission is keeping current on charity and political fads. Anyone can tell you that that supporting democracy in Burma or Iran is passé. Not that these situations have been resolved.

"It's not about actually doing anything. It's just about showing our support. Our temporary awareness of global issues does a world of good," said one feelgood undergrad.

The problem is that the feelgood fads, which were once aimlessly meandering from issue to issue, are now operating at an accelerated lifecycle.

"It used to be that I could simply join a facebook group against, say, famine in the Sahel, and I would be set for at least a month of looking down on others who were ignorant of the situation, but these days it's just impossible to stay on top of things," said another flustered feelgooder.

Several issue chasers have given up the hunt and have settled for making racist remarks in roadside diners. But others continue the chase for their own happier future. One can only hope that they will be able to keep their resolve, blindly claiming authority on what amount to niches in global politics.